Imposter Syndrome In Pregnancy After Infertility/Loss - How To Step Into Your Role As Mum-to-Be

What Is Imposter Syndrome in Pregnancy?

Pregnancy after infertility and/or loss can be a difficult journey for many reasons. One theme which comes up often is experiencing Imposter Syndrome during pregnancy - feeling that you're just going through the motions - or playing the part of happy pregnant woman - without feeling truely connected to your new role.

It can be disconcerting and cause much guilt and shame if you're left feeling this way - you've tried so hard and been through so much to become pregnant, so why aren't you relishing the experience of being pregnant? Why does it not feel real?

Why Do I Feel This Way?

Firstly let's think about what goes on as you move from "infertile" to pregnant. This is a huge transition. And transitions can feel difficult when you don't feel safe. I talk a lot about feeling unsafe in pregnancy after infertility/loss, and so many of the challenges we face in our infertility journey and subsequent pregnancies stem from a lack of safety. When we feel unsafe we often crave feelings of safety from predictability and control. A big psychological transition such as moving from considering yourself infertile to actually being pregnant can feel overwhelming and we may struggle to fully move in to our new identity as mum-to-be.

As much as it wasn't an identity you wanted, you may have found yourself feeling strongly connected with the "infertile" aspect of your identity. Infertility can be all-consumming, so much of your time was likely spent thinking about fertility, researching, trying new things to improve your chances. You maybe connected with others going through similar journeys online or through support groups. Then suddenly you don't fit in this category any more. And even though that's a good thing, it is still a bit shift.

And as strange as it sounds it can actually be a shock to become pregnant! If you have had years of being unable to conceive and failed fertility treatments it can be quite hard to believe that you actually are pregnant. There can be an adjustment period as your brain tries to catch up with the change in circumstances. Adding in to this the fact you are likely holding on to fears that something could go wrong with the pregnancy and possibly holding back on letting yourself become fully connected with your pregnancy and baby this can further lead to a sense of being an Imposter. If you hold a belief that something could go wrong and you won't be bringing your baby home then you will just feel that you are playing the role of mum, putting on an act.

The other factor which can add in to your sense of being an Imposter is the way pregnancies - particularly "miracle" pregnancies which follow long periods of infertility or pregnancy losses - are seen and responded to by those around us. Family and friends, even midwives and medical professionals, anyone who knows your story will likely be overjoyed and delighted to hear that you are now pregnant. Their excitement and happiness will likely be overflowing. However, the experience of pregnancy after infertility/loss is often fraught with anxiety, overwhelm and worry. Happiness and joy could be in the mix, but they will not be the only feelings. So if you're met with such a positive response from others you may feel you need to supress the more "negative" emotions and worries you are carrying. So you wear a mask, and pretend to be the happy, glowing pregnant woman you are expected to be.

Moving Forward

So what can you do to reduce feelings of being an imposter in your pregnancy and move in to your new identity? Try some of the tips below to help you feel more connected with your new role and more comfortable in your pregnancy.

Bonding with your Bump

Finding gentle ways to connect with your bump and baby can help you feel that the role of pregnant woman feels a bit more real. Keeping an element of disconnection from your pregnancy can be a coping mechanism, your brains way of trying to protect you from further hurt and loss. So a gentle approach is key. Starting to talk to your baby, choosing a special song or lullaby to sing to your bump, even just resting your hand on your tummy as you relax on the sofa.

Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations can be a powerful tool to change your mindset and overcome barriers which may be preventing you from fully moving in to your new role. Repetition is key so choose a few affirmations that feel right for you and repeat them to yourself frequently - having them written down and left around the house can be a good reminder, and starting the day by spending a few minutes thinking of your affirmations can help embed them.

Your affirmations might want to address any negative self-belief you are holding on to - some examples might be - I Deserve to be a Mother; I Will Be A Good Mother; My Body is Providing My Baby With Everything It Needs. They might want to boost your confidence in the outcome of your pregnancy - This is a Different Pregnancy with a Different Outcome; Every Day my Baby Grows Bigger and Stronger. Or they might address your identity shift - Just because I Had Difficulty Getting Pregnant Does Not Mean My Pregnancy Will Be Difficult; Every Day I Settle More In To My New Role As Mum.

Seeking Support

Connection is so important, particularly when you're struggling with your shift in identity and feeling like you don't belong in the role of pregnant woman. So working on being open with a close trusted friend who will respond sensitively, or connecting with other women who are/have been pregnant following infertility or loss can reduce the feelings of disconnection. The more you can share the full range of your emotions and worries - without fear of judgement - the less you will feel like an imposter in your pregnancy.

If you would like to find out more about the services Lighthouse provides check out our pregnancy page.

Take care of yourself,

Jen x